What do I say to someone who just lost someone?
Often nothing, and that is biblical. Job's friends helped most during the seven days they sat silent. Comfort in Scripture is a relay: the Father of mercies comforts us so that we can hand it on, weeping with those who weep, speaking resurrection gently, and staying long after everyone else has gone back to normal.
This question arose from studying How do I carry sorrow and hope in the same life?.
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The study
What the Scripture says
Presence precedes speech
When Job's friends arrived, 'they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.' Seven days of silence was the most eloquent ministry of their entire visit; nearly everything they said afterward made it worse. Sitting on the ground with someone is theology before words.
When they lifted up their eyes from a distance, and didn’t recognize him, they raised their voices, and wept; and they each tore his robe, and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the sky. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.
Comfort is a relay race, not a possession
Paul blesses 'the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction'. Comfort arrives addressed to you but routed through you. You do not manufacture solace for others; you pass along what the Father handed you in your own affliction.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Weep with those who weep
Paul pairs two verbs without ranking them: 'Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.' Notice what is absent from the list: explain with those who explain, fix with those who fix. Entering someone's grief means letting it be sad, shedding the same tears, and resisting the urge to turn their loss into a lesson.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.
Say the true words, gently
There is something to say, but Paul defines it: 'Therefore comfort one another with these words.' The words are resurrection words, that the dead in Christ are with Him and will come back with Him. Spoken too early they sound like dismissal; spoken late, after tears, beside the grave, over the following months, they are exactly the medicine the verse intends.
Therefore comfort one another with these words.
As you read, you may wonder…
Scripture raises the next question
Studying the Word naturally opens more of it. Follow what you just read: it leads somewhere.
Continue this trail
It has been months. Why is my grief not getting easier?→“How long, Yahweh? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”Explore further
How do I help a friend who is suffering?→Suffering & God's Will trail“So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.”Hold onto these
Verses to meditate on
So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.
who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.
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