How do I help a friend who is suffering?
The best help begins with presence, not explanation: Job's friends were right to sit with him in silence, and Jesus wept before He raised Lazarus. Scripture calls us to weep with those who weep, to bear one another's burdens, and to point to the God of all comfort rather than to our theories. Love that stays, listens, serves, and prays is the shape of help God Himself uses.
This question arose from studying Why does God allow suffering and evil? and Where is God in my specific pain?.
Begin by reading
Go into the Word
Not a summary of these passages: the passages themselves. Read them, then come back to the study below.
The study
What the Scripture says
Presence first: sit with them, like Job's friends at first
When Job's friends heard of his calamity they came from their own places, and when they saw him they wept aloud, and then 'they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.' That is the model: to show up, to stay, to mourn with the mourner. Paul commands it directly: 'Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.'
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come on him, they each came from his own place: Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite, and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and to comfort him. When they lifted up their eyes from a distance, and didn’t recognize him, they raised their voices, and wept; and they each tore his robe, and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the sky. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Listen before you counsel; resist the rush to explain
Jesus' comfort at Bethany began with groaning and tears: 'Jesus wept,' and the bystanders read it rightly: 'See how much affection he had for him.' The failure of Job's friends came later, when they traded silence for theories and were told, 'You are all physicians of no value' who had proved that silence would have been wiser. Proverbs warns against answering before hearing, and James says to be 'swift to hear, slow to speak.' Suffering people need to be known before they need to be fixed.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews weeping who came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, and said, “Where have you laid him?” They told him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see. Jesus wept.
The Jews therefore said, “See how much affection he had for him!”Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!
But you are forgers of lies. You are all physicians of no value. Oh that you would be completely silent! Then you would be wise.But ye are forgers of lies, ye are all physicians of no value. O that ye would altogether hold your peace! and it should be your wisdom.
He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him.He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.
So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Point to the God of all comfort, not to clichés
Paul blesses 'the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction.' The psalmist sings that the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and Peter tells sufferers to cast 'all your worries on him, because he cares for you.' We cannot explain every pain, but we can hand the person to the One who is near and who cares, gently, in our own words, with our own tears mixed in.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you.Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
For as the sufferings of Christ abound to us, even so our comfort also abounds through Christ.For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
Serve them practically; carry real burdens
Galatians commands, 'Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,' and James exposes the hollow word: telling the naked and hungry brother 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled' while giving nothing is no love at all. John says our help must be 'in deed and truth,' not in word and tongue. A meal, a ride, a task handled, a visit repeated: these are the words the grieving hear best, because they are spoken with hands.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
And if a brother or sister is naked and in lack of daily food, and one of you tells them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled”; and yet you didn’t give them the things the body needs, what good is it?If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit?
But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and closes his heart of compassion against him, how does the love of God remain in him? My little children, let’s not love in word only, neither with the tongue only, but in deed and truth.But whoso hath this world’s good, and seeth his brother have need, and shutteth up his bowels of compassion from him, how dwelleth the love of God in him? My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season, if we don’t give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let’s do what is good toward all men, and especially toward those who are of the household of the faith.And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.
Pray with them and keep company over time
James says, 'Is any among you suffering? Let him pray,' and calls us to pray for one another 'that you may be healed,' because 'the insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.' Paul's pattern was to pray without ceasing for those he loved, rejoicing in hope, enduring in troubles, 'continuing steadfastly in prayer.' Suffering is a road, not an event; the friend who stays for the whole road is the friend God uses.
Is any among you suffering? Let him pray. Is any cheerful? Let him sing praises. Is any among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the assembly, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord, and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.Is any among you afflicted? let him pray. Is any merry? let him sing psalms. Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
rejoicing in hope; enduring in troubles; continuing steadfastly in prayer;Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
For this cause, we also, since the day we heard this, don’t cease praying and making requests for you, that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, that you may walk worthily of the Lord, to please him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to the might of his glory, for all endurance and perseverance with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who made us fit to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light;For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews weeping who came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,
As you read, you may wonder…
Scripture raises the next question
Studying the Word naturally opens more of it. Follow what you just read: it leads somewhere.
Hold onto these
Verses to meditate on
So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
Worth visiting