How do I help a friend who is suffering?
The best help begins with presence, not explanation: Job's friends were right to sit with him in silence, and Jesus wept before He raised Lazarus. Scripture calls us to weep with those who weep, to bear one another's burdens, and to point to the God of all comfort rather than to our theories. Love that stays, listens, serves, and prays is the shape of help God Himself uses.
This question arose from studying Why does God allow suffering and evil? and Where is God in my specific pain?.
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What the Scripture says
Presence first: sit with them, like Job's friends at first
When Job's friends heard of his calamity they came from their own places, and when they saw him they wept aloud, and then 'they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.' That is the model: to show up, to stay, to mourn with the mourner. Paul commands it directly: 'Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.'
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come on him, they each came from his own place: Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite, and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and to comfort him. When they lifted up their eyes from a distance, and didn’t recognize him, they raised their voices, and wept; and they each tore his robe, and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the sky. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.
Listen before you counsel; resist the rush to explain
Jesus' comfort at Bethany began with groaning and tears: 'Jesus wept,' and the bystanders read it rightly: 'See how much affection he had for him.' The failure of Job's friends came later, when they traded silence for theories and were told, 'You are all physicians of no value' who had proved that silence would have been wiser. Proverbs warns against answering before hearing, and James says to be 'swift to hear, slow to speak.' Suffering people need to be known before they need to be fixed.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews weeping who came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, and said, “Where have you laid him?” They told him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.
The Jews therefore said, “See how much affection he had for him!”
But you are forgers of lies. You are all physicians of no value. Oh that you would be completely silent! Then you would be wise.
He who gives answer before he hears, that is folly and shame to him.
So, then, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger;
Point to the God of all comfort, not to clichés
Paul blesses 'the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction.' The psalmist sings that the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and Peter tells sufferers to cast 'all your worries on him, because he cares for you.' We cannot explain every pain, but we can hand the person to the One who is near and who cares, gently, in our own words, with our own tears mixed in.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.
casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you.
For as the sufferings of Christ abound to us, even so our comfort also abounds through Christ.
Serve them practically; carry real burdens
Galatians commands, 'Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,' and James exposes the hollow word: telling the naked and hungry brother 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled' while giving nothing is no love at all. John says our help must be 'in deed and truth,' not in word and tongue. A meal, a ride, a task handled, a visit repeated: these are the words the grieving hear best, because they are spoken with hands.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
And if a brother or sister is naked and in lack of daily food, and one of you tells them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled”; and yet you didn’t give them the things the body needs, what good is it?
But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and closes his heart of compassion against him, how does the love of God remain in him? My little children, let’s not love in word only, neither with the tongue only, but in deed and truth.
Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season, if we don’t give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let’s do what is good toward all men, and especially toward those who are of the household of the faith.
Pray with them and keep company over time
James says, 'Is any among you suffering? Let him pray,' and calls us to pray for one another 'that you may be healed,' because 'the insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.' Paul's pattern was to pray without ceasing for those he loved, rejoicing in hope, enduring in troubles, 'continuing steadfastly in prayer.' Suffering is a road, not an event; the friend who stays for the whole road is the friend God uses.
Is any among you suffering? Let him pray. Is any cheerful? Let him sing praises. Is any among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the assembly, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord, and the prayer of faith will heal him who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. If he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.
rejoicing in hope; enduring in troubles; continuing steadfastly in prayer;
For this cause, we also, since the day we heard this, don’t cease praying and making requests for you, that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, that you may walk worthily of the Lord, to please him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to the might of his glory, for all endurance and perseverance with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who made us fit to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light;
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews weeping who came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,
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Verses to meditate on
So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.
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