Why do I still feel lonely?
Loneliness is not a failure of faith; it is a real and human ache, felt by the psalmist and even by Jesus. We were made for relationship with God and with one another, so isolation stings by design. God has not left you alone: He promises to be near, He gave His Son to be with us and His Spirit to indwell us, and He gathers His people as a family. Loneliness is real, but it is not the final word.
This question arose from studying What does it mean that we were made for relationship? and What does it mean to be made in God's image?.
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What the Scripture says
Loneliness is real, and it is not a failure
The psalmist knows it: 'My tears have been my food day and night,' and 'Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning?' The prophet Elijah felt utterly alone: 'I, even I only, am left.' Even Jesus, in His most human hour, cried out in desolation and said to His disciples, 'you will leave me alone,' and yet, 'I am not alone, because the Father is with me.' Feeling lonely is part of living as a person in a fallen world; it does not mean God has abandoned you or that your faith is weak.
My tears have been my food day and night, while they continually ask me, “Where is your God?”My tears have been my meat day and night, while they continually say unto me, Where is thy God?
I will ask God, my rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
He said, “I have been very jealous for Yahweh, the God of Armies; for the children of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and slain your prophets with the sword. I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.”And he said, I have been very jealous for the Lord God of hosts: for the children of Israel have forsaken thy covenant, thrown down thine altars, and slain thy prophets with the sword; and I, even I only, am left; and they seek my life, to take it away.
Behold, the time is coming, yes, and has now come, that you will be scattered, everyone to his own place, and you will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me.Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and shall leave me alone: and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me.
We were made for relationship, so isolation aches
The ache is built into us because we were made for communion. In the garden God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone,' and Ecclesiastes observes that 'two are better than one,' for if one falls, 'the one will lift up his fellow' and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. We were made in the image of a relational God, made for Him and for one another, so a life cut off from intimacy runs against the grain of our design. The loneliness is the echo of that design, not a mistake.
Yahweh God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.”And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls, and doesn’t have another to lift him up.Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
If a man prevails against one who is alone, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
God created man in his own image. In God’s image he created him; male and female he created them.So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
God promises to be with you
Over and over, Scripture meets loneliness with presence. God says, 'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you.' He is 'near to those who have a broken heart,' and He says, 'I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.' When you feel alone, you are not actually alone: the Father has promised His nearness to His children, and He has never once broken that promise.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, and flame will not scorch you.When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Be free from the love of money, content with such things as you have, for he has said, “I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.”Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
teaching them to observe all things that I commanded you. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
Jesus is with us, and His Spirit dwells in us
God's answer to our aloneness is ultimate: He came to be with us. Jesus said, 'I am with you always, even to the end of the age,' and He promised, 'I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you.' He asked the Father to give us 'another Counselor... that he may be with you forever,' the Spirit who lives in us. And He said that He and the Father 'will come to him, and make our home with him.' The God of the universe has made His home with the lonely believer.
teaching them to observe all things that I commanded you. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you.I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
I will pray to the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, that he may be with you forever,— the Spirit of truth, whom the world can’t receive; for it doesn’t see him, neither knows him. You know him, for he lives with you, and will be in you.And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.
Jesus answered him, “If a man loves me, he will keep my word. My Father will love him, and we will come to him, and make our home with him.Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.
He also gathers us into a family
God intended to meet our loneliness through His people as well as His own presence. The church from the beginning 'continued steadfastly in the apostles' teaching and fellowship,' breaking bread together with gladness, so that 'the Lord added to the assembly day by day.' We are to 'bear one another's burdens,' 'weep with those who weep,' and not forsake 'assembling together.' When loneliness presses in, God's remedy is both a Person to trust and a people to join, and He invites you into both.
They continued steadfastly in the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and prayer. Fear came on every soul, and many wonders and signs were done through the apostles. All who believed were together, and had all things in common. They sold their possessions and goods, and distributed them to all, according as anyone had need. Day by day, continuing steadfastly with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread at home, they took their food with gladness and singleness of heart, praising God, and having favor with all the people. The Lord added to the assembly day by day those who were being saved.And they continued stedfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers. And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles. And all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need. And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart, Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good works, not forsaking our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but exhorting one another; and so much the more, as you see the Day approaching.And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
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Who is God the Father?→God the Father trail“Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you such a long time, and do you not know me, Philip? He who has seen me has seen the Father. How do you say, ‘Show us the Father?’Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Shew us the Father?”Why do I need the church?→The Church trail“Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good works, not forsaking our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but exhorting one another; and so much the more, as you see the Day approaching.And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.”We haven't written this one yet. Take it to your church or small group: the Word answers it wherever it is asked. If we study it here later, all the better.
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Verses to meditate on
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, and flame will not scorch you.When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
Yahweh is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit.The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
I will pray to the Father, and he will give you another Counselor, that he may be with you forever,— the Spirit of truth, whom the world can’t receive; for it doesn’t see him, neither knows him. You know him, for he lives with you, and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans. I will come to you.And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
Be free from the love of money, content with such things as you have, for he has said, “I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.”Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
teaching them to observe all things that I commanded you. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
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