How do I receive love when I don't feel lovable?
God's love for you is grounded in Christ, not in your loveliness. He loved you while you were still a sinner, He gave His Son for you, and nothing you have done can make Him love you less. When you feel unlovable, the answer is not to become more worthy but to receive the love that is already yours by faith, and to remember that the Father runs to meet even the child who has wandered far.
This question arose from studying How can I know God's affection for me is real and not just a doctrine? and How do I experience the love of God day to day?.
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What the Scripture says
God loves you because of Christ, not because you are lovable
Paul states the order so we can't miss it: 'God commends his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.' John agrees: 'In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.' Your lovableness was never the basis. The basis is God's character and Christ's finished work, both of which are settled whether or not you feel worthy.
But God commends his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son as the atoning sacrifice for our sins.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I that live, but Christ living in me. That life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me.
The cross is the measure, not your worthiness
Look at what His love has already cost: 'He who didn't spare his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how would he not also with him freely give us all things?' Paul's own confidence was personal: 'I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me.' If God loved you enough to give His Son, then no assessment of your current worthiness can subtract from a love that was given while you were at your worst.
He who didn’t spare his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how would he not also with him freely give us all things?
I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I that live, but Christ living in me. That life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me.
By this God’s love was revealed in us, that God has sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.
But God commends his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Even after failure, the Father still runs
In the parable, the son has squandered everything and deserves nothing, yet 'while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran.' David, after the greatest moral collapse in his story, prays 'Have mercy on me, God, according to your loving kindness,' and is forgiven and restored. John assures us that 'if we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' Your worst moment is not beyond His love; it is exactly where His love runs to find you.
“He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.
Have mercy on me, God, according to your loving kindness. According to the multitude of your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe, and put it on him. Put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. Bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat, and celebrate; for this, my son, was dead, and is alive again. He was lost, and is found.’ They began to celebrate.
Receive it by faith as a fact, not as a feeling
Feeling unlovable is a feeling; it is not the truth. Scripture commands us to believe what is true, and what is true is Paul's settled persuasion that nothing 'will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord,' and God's promise, 'I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.' Zephaniah pictures God rejoicing over His people and calming them 'in his love.' Let the promise anchor you when the feeling says otherwise.
For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Be free from the love of money, content with such things as you have, for he has said, “I will in no way leave you, neither will I in any way forsake you.”
Yahweh, your God, is in your midst, a mighty one who will save. He will rejoice over you with joy. He will calm you in his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.
We know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and he who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.
His love is what makes you His beloved child
The deepest cure for feeling unlovable is your new identity: 'See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!' You are not asking a stranger to like you; you are a son or daughter, chosen 'for adoption as children through Jesus Christ... according to the good pleasure of his desire.' The Spirit in your heart cries 'Abba, Father,' testifying that you belong. Receive the love you were given as a child, not the approval you could never earn as a stranger.
See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! For this cause the world doesn’t know us, because it didn’t know him.
having predestined us for adoption as children through Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his desire,
For you didn’t receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God;
Even as the Father has loved me, I also have loved you. Remain in my love.
As you read, you may wonder…
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We haven't written this one yet. Take it to your church or small group: the Word answers it wherever it is asked. If we study it here later, all the better.
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Verses to meditate on
But God commends his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
“He arose, and came to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him, and was moved with compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Yahweh, your God, is in your midst, a mighty one who will save. He will rejoice over you with joy. He will calm you in his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.
See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! For this cause the world doesn’t know us, because it didn’t know him.
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